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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/30/2011 at 12:07
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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years............................... -
 
 
It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/01/2011 at 12:20
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/01/2011 at 12:21
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Chief Sackscratch

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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/02/2011 at 11:08
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I will not open the damn store!"

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/02/2011 at 11:09
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/02/2011 at 11:14
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it.
You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really?
Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/02/2011 at 11:15
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/02/2011 at 11:15
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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/05/2011 at 08:31
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Lay Off Letter From Management-
 
Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/05/2011 at 09:27
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At a hundred yards do you know how to tell the difference between a defense attorney and a prosecuting attorney?  
The prosecuting attorney will be the one with his hands in his own pockets.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/05/2011 at 11:55
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Originally posted by Urimaginaryfrnd Urimaginaryfrnd wrote:

At a hundred yards do you know how to tell the difference between a defense attorney and a prosecuting attorney?  
The prosecuting attorney will be the one with his hands in his own pockets.
lol Excellent
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 12:17
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President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 12:17
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A doctor was addressing a large audience.



"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.



"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.



"Chinese food is loaded with MSG.



"High fat diets are disastrous.



"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water," said the doctor.



"But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief?



An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Is it wedding cake?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 12:55
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Wedding Cake Roll on Floor LaughingExcellent
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 15:10
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg , So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg , you will be just right As A pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
ACME COSTUME COMPANY

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company Another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel And a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST ..
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour The molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple .

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 15:51
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The Five-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull [beeep] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of dung is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep dung, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 21:38
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/13/2011 at 19:10
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PERFECT EYESIGHT



Arthur is 81 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 16 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast.


"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has
got so bad. Once I've hit the ball I can't
see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.

As they sit down, she makes a suggestion: "Why don't you take my
brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93 years old. He
can't help."

"He may be a ninety three" says the wife "but his eyesight is
perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."


"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

 
 


"Can't remember."

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:38
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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:38
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Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:39
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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2011 at 11:22
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When I lived in Stillwater, home of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, there was a fine fellow in town who had a brass plaque on his front door proclaiming him as an alumnus of Texas A&M. It also had a line which read:

                     "NO AGGIE JOAKES".

(a true story)

Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2011 at 23:07
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Get Your Popcorn Ready
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:35
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One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
The little girl was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, Gramma came home.
Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough,
here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
That the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:35
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A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Liberal democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
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