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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/23/2012 at 16:53
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Originally posted by budperm budperm wrote:

NOW THIS IS FUNNY - I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

 

                                                         

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special

Presidential commission presented the following findings:



1.The stamp is in perfect order.

 
 
                          2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
 
 

              3. People are spitting on the wrong side



Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent      Excellent     
   &n
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 07:55
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into

boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second

day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at

their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put

on some soft background music, and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle

of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into

Each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells

dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain

rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the

husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss

for the first few days.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and

airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,

carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were

hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days, and in

the End they even paid to replace the expensive wool

carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to

visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and

decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price

In half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky

house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local

realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called

the man and asked how things were going. He told her the

saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and

said that she missed her old home terribly and would

be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in

exchange for getting the house back. Knowing

his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he

agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the

house had been worth, but only if she were to sign

the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within

the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood

smiling as they watched the moving company

pack everything to take to their new home,

including the curtain rods.



I just love a happy ending, don't you!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:00
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My wife left me... I don't understand.

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:01
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Old I know but still funny -
 
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,

"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says. No, I don't think God would get mad - Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"


"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.

And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:05
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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club
for their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first
tee, a beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs
approaches them. She
explains that the guy who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency, which called him away and asks
the trio
whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde
thanks them and
says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a
dancer, so nothing
shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke
cigars, have a
beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do
anything that you
normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But I enjoy
playing golf. I consider myself pretty good at it, so
don't try to
coach me on how to play."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to
drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she
bent over during
the round. Long and straight tee shots, coupled with
stunning iron
and short-game play, left them breathless with more
than just her
superior looks.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is 3 under
par, but has a
very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a
par. She turns
to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank
you all for not
acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
club to use or
how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and
I'd really like
to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell
me how to
make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my
apartment, pour some
25-year old Haig & Haig Scotch in him, fix him dinner,
and then show
him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across
the green,
carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says,
"Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it
firm. It will
get over that little hump and break right into the
cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his
putter as a
plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to
hit it
softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down
that little
hogback so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walks over to the
blonde's ball on
the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a
gimme,
sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:12
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered his door
to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We
have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she
had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6
good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow!"
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:14
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Once, three men stood at a Bozeman, Montana airport, waiting for their flights. After a short while, the three struck up a conversation.
One was an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. The second man was a cowboy on his way to a livestock show, and the third was a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University, from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab student is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls to an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumble weeds around, and the old wind sock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few".
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few", he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin"!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:15
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Originally posted by SVT_Tactical SVT_Tactical wrote:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into

boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second

day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at

their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put

on some soft background music, and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle

of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into

Each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells

dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain

rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the

husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss

for the first few days.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and

airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,

carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were

hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days, and in

the End they even paid to replace the expensive wool

carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to

visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and

decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price

In half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky

house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local

realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called

the man and asked how things were going. He told her the

saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and

said that she missed her old home terribly and would

be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in

exchange for getting the house back. Knowing

his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he

agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the

house had been worth, but only if she were to sign

the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within

the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood

smiling as they watched the moving company

pack everything to take to their new home,

including the curtain rods.



I just love a happy ending, don't you!
That will teach him to marry a German! Cool
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:57
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Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President George Y. Bush's Fundamentalist Right Wing Christian Party have banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Results of 85-year - $75.8 billion study show: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Texas executes last remaining Liberal.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals and terrorists violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 08:58
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My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 09:17
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When willl her new teeth arrive? Smile
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 09:26
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Why you never question a drunk!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon
of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 09:43
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/28/2012 at 09:45
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Subject: Quantas Airlines



Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. (Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs) After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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A man calls his wife from the E.R. "Honey I had a finger cut off at work today"
 "The whole finger?", she worriedly asks.
"No, the one next to it."Bucky 
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Husband is just about to leave home for a round of golf, when suddenly there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to find two State Troopers. Sorry sir we have some bad news for you, your wives vehicle was involved in an accident, we would like you to come to the morgue and identify her body. Well I'm kinda busy says the Husband, do you think you could take a photo and post it on Facebook. If its her I'll click like and if not I'll click unlike
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat. "The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in [beeep]?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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Smile
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True story
 
The other day a friend of mine told me an off color joke. It was bad, but it was FUNNY.
After the funeral of another friend's mother and at the lunchon, I decided to tell the joke to a few of my friends and the son of the departed.
Just as I started to tell the joke, I bit my lip. I decided it was God's way of telling me to STFU. So I just told everyone I was going to tell an off color joke until God told me not to, and how.
They got a big laugh out of it.
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How's it go... "Let he who has the ears to hear, hear"...
Good job paying attention!
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Originally posted by SVT_Tactical SVT_Tactical wrote:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into

boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second

day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at

their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put

on some soft background music, and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle

of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into

Each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells

dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain

rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the

husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss

for the first few days.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and

airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,

carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were

hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days, and in

the End they even paid to replace the expensive wool

carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to

visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and

decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price

In half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky

house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local

realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called

the man and asked how things were going. He told her the

saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and

said that she missed her old home terribly and would

be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in

exchange for getting the house back. Knowing

his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he

agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the

house had been worth, but only if she were to sign

the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within

the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood

smiling as they watched the moving company

pack everything to take to their new home,

including the curtain rods.



I just love a happy ending, don't you!


LOL. Just Peed my britches. Thanks!


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Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..
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Originally posted by billyburl2 billyburl2 wrote:

A man calls his wife from the E.R. "Honey I had a finger cut off at work today"
 "The whole finger?", she worriedly asks.
"No, the one next to it."Bucky 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha........
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)     Back to Top Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2012 at 14:58
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Joined: December/17/2009
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Is there such a thing as a government law school?
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